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    All was revealed the morning I awoke after having the same dream for the 5thor 6th time. It all came back to me and it felt like a heavy backpack strapped to my shoulders; it weighed me down. I remembered it all. I remembered being molested. I remembered who, when…I remembered too much, and I didn’t want to! I was 21 or 22 when I came to the realization that I’d repressed the memory of my abuse. I was faced with the reality of what I was to do with this information and how I was to move forward with my life knowing that my innocence was taken by someone I should have been able to trust.

    It makes me sick to think that as I type this, somewhere in our world a child is being raped – female and male! When will this shit end? When will children be protected? You see, you can’t put a face on molestation. You can’t look around and point out the many people who have been violated as a child, just as you can’t look around and point out the person capable of being the violator. Sometimes I wonder who breeds the monsters that are capable of doing such heinous things to children. Then the answer comes to me easily; women and men like you and I. The mother of my molester is a great woman and has raised a host of other great kids! Where did this one go wrong? Is there something in the DNA of a person who can rape a child? Is something missing in their brain that prevents them from understanding the magnitude of pain and destruction this causes?

   My abuse could’ve ruined my life if I allowed myself to wallow in the misery of the memories of what happened to me. I refused to do that! I refused to allow something that I had no control over ruin me. I made the choice to not be beaten down by this revelation. Enough was taken from me already so I wouldn’t allow it to keep taking. I refused to allow it to remove the smile from my face and the happiness from my heart. It wasn’t my fault. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It is what it is. I can’t change it so why let it ruin me?

   As survivors of abuse we have to make the choice to keep living; to be happy and look for the light aside from it all. Sometimes you have to fight for your happiness and fight for your peace of mind, but trust me it’s a fight worth having. Don’t let what has happened to you in your past dictate your future any longer. Live your life! Love your life! Do what you have to do to feel whole. Get help, talk to someone; don’t waste another day! Again, it is a choice and it starts with loving yourself no matter what. 

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        Who says comparison is a bad thing? I think everyone uses comparisons in their lives, but when it comes to comparing people you are supposed to refrain? I went to Best Buy’s website a few months ago to purchase a laptop and I was able to choose 4 items to compare against each other! There was a nice chart that laid out all of the features of each device so that I could go down the line and see which one had the most features that would suit me. That was so perfect! I even took my old laptop into account and thought about the features it had that I wanted to make sure were included in my new laptop. That helped me make a great choice; I purchased a laptop that I am very happy with.

     So, why can’t I compare past men in my life to the new men in my life? I want to make a wise decision in choosing a man too! The last relationships didn’t work for whatever reason so wouldn’t you want to make sure that this “new” love isn’t a clone of the exes?

      A lot of people seem to choose the same type of men/women over and over although it’s evident that the person you are choosing isn’t good for you. It hasn’t worked in the past, yet you keep picking the same type. The problem is that you aren’t pulling out your comparison chart--Ambitious? Check. Got a job? Check. Loyal? Check--to make sure that this man/woman is different than the last! So, you are heartbroken time and time again when the inevitable break up happens with the duplicate boyfriend/girlfriend.

      I always hear “He/she always compares me to his/her ex!” and this is not the comparison I’m speaking of. No one should be verbally compared to anyone else. Comparison in regard to people is something that should be done privately with ones self and in ones mind, or maybe even with a close friend whom you trust. I would never condone the demeaning comparison nor would I date someone who would blatantly compare me. It’s all in how it’s done and it should always be done privately or in the confidence of a trusted friend.

      Comparison isn’t a bad thing; it actually can save both parties a lot of time. If you really take a good look at what worked in your last relationship and what didn’t and be honest about what your faults are and the faults or good qualities of your exes, you can be cognizant of what you need and want in your next relationship and maybe, just maybe, that one will be the one the stands the test of time.

       

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    Nice guys finish last? Where did this come from? What makes a man think that being aloof with a woman is the way to get her attention? Well unbelievably it works more often than not! I'm not sure what the allure is or why a lot of women are attracted to men that act as if they don't care. I hear it time and time again

     “I don't know how he really feels about me.”

    “When he comes around he seems to like me but I just can't tell if he does.”

    “He calls every other day and doesn't answer when I call him, and when he calls me back its hours or even a day later. He even waits a good 30 to 45 minutes before he responds to my text message, but I kinda like it because it keeps me guessing.”

      I don't know about you, but I don't like to guess when it comes to love and relationships. This isn't a game and you should not have to wonder if a guy likes you or not! Don't you usually figure that out by his actions? And if his actions are telling you that he doesn't really care, why in the hell does that make you like him more?

       A man once said to me, "I've been too nice to you. If I was an asshole you'd be calling me and texting me all day!" Uhm, no I wouldn't! If you were an asshole we wouldn't even be dating. You wouldn't have gotten this far, so evidently you are doing something right!

      Do not reward an asshole who behaves in a way that makes you feel off kilter. Don’t feed his ego and allow this warped way of acting and thinking to go on. Ladies cut this out! Make him accountable for his actions. If he acts as if he doesn't care then you should move on! Nine times out of ten moving on will change his behavior. And if it doesn’t, good riddance! Make him court you and treat you right. He should make you feel special. He should let you know his intentions. Otherwise his intentions probably aren't honorable if he feels the need to keep you guessing.

       What is wrong with dating a man who shows you that he cares for you by doing nice things? What is wrong with dating a man who not only tells you how he feels about you but shows you with his actions? What is wrong with dating a man who lays his cards on the table face up? Absolutely nothing! But, men are apprehensive about doing this because a lot of women will take that as a sign of weakness and will sometimes even try to walk all over a  guy who does these "nice" things.

        The good thing about living in the 21st century is that we choose who we want to date. So if you “choose” to bypass the “good” guy in favor of the “bad” boy then hey, it’s your choice. But, I’m sure your friends are pretty darn tired of hearing you complain about the same things, man after man, relationship after relationship, boyfriend after boyfriend--if it even makes it to the boyfriend stage.

        Lastly, here are a few differences between a nice guy and a bad boy just so you are clear: A nice guy will call to tell you he's thinking about you and just to say hi. A bad boy will call you back - much later - and act as if he could be doing something else. A nice guy will line up a date a few days in advance to make sure that he gets to take you out on Friday or Saturday night. A bad boy will call you the morning of to see if you want to hang out later. A nice guy will want to know how your day went. A bad boy won’t even give you the chance to talk about your morning. Make the right choice ladies and help the good guys finish first.



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